One Dead, As Rioting Breaks Out In The Villages In Florida

0000aaacfiles22282One elderly man is dead and rioting has broken out in The Villages in Sumter County Florida.

The Villages, known as “Florida’s Friendliest Hometown” with over forty golf courses and massive numbers of retirees from across America has Governor Rick Scott calling for calm, issuing a curfew, and sending in the National Guard to control the mayhem.

It all started when 79 year old, Larry LaMode left The Old Time General Store with a pint of buttermilk that he allegedly did not purchase.

The death of LaMode, who is described by friends as “forgetful,” and “tenderly tall,” has left this community looking for answers.

When the clerk called the Villages’ Police Department, they arrived in their police golf carts with lights and sirens blaring, in what one witness described as, “Overkill! They looked like they were coming to arrest Bernie Madoff.”

What happened next is speculation, but the over-six foot LaMode appeared to be disorientated when an officer, in his twenties, (not yet identified) took the pint of buttermilk and LaMode was then bent over a golf cart and frisked.

Carl Twig, a close friend said; “These young, punk cops are like Nazi’s. They are always pulling over our golf carts and harassing us. It’s called; “driving while grey.” This tenderly tall man never hurt anyone. He loved his buttermilk. He just forgot to pay for it.”

At a recent press conference, The Villages’ Police Commander, J. Tolbert Sandtrap reported; “My officer said he was not arresting LaMode and did not put him over a golf cart to be frisked. It just looked that way because he was a formally a tall man who, as he aged, became a hunchback, like most old people do from being sucked up into their assholes.”

According to eye-witnesses, with head down, LaMode began swinging his arms wildly, screaming; “Give me back my buttermilk.”

After striking an officer, LaMode’s face either fell or was pushed into a golf bag on the back of a cart, and two golf tee’s lodged into his large, hairy nostrils, suffocating LaMode. The officers said they were not aware of LaMode’s injuries until they tried CPR to revive him and pinched his nose, but by that time it was too late.

Police are calling it a “Freakish accident that happens to the freakish elderly in The Villages all the time.”

“He was just trying to get his buttermilk. He didn’t hit that officer;” said Gary Puttlow, owner of the Medi-Shave & Obama-Hair Barber shop across the street from where the incident began, and many have gathered since, to talk and share their grievances.

Sitting in one barber chair was Art Woods, who said; “We aren’t gonna take this discrimination anymore against us greys, or in my wife’s case, blue-hairs.”

He continued; “We can’t give you some catchy slogans that you press guys like. We have trouble rhyming words and haven’t come up with a word that rhymes with LaMode. We need help with slogans, but just want justice for LaMode. I do know we will have a charity golf tourney for him. Right now we are calling it, Tee’d-Off For LaMode. ”

From the back of the barber shop, someone hollers out; “Can someone help me off the commode?”

Out in the streets, golf carts have been overturned. Mobs of protesters wearing T-Shirts that read; “We Are All LaMode,” white shorts, black socks and sandals are seen looting shops and slowly shuffling away with as many packages of Depend’s undergarments they can carry. Usually it is only one.

A National Guard member said; “It is complete chaos, they are all setting off their Medic-Alert buttons at the same time.”

Age-agitators from across the country have converged here. They are getting help. People like Pat Boone are speaking out that the Government is doing nothing about the brutality.

Boone is also leading the crowds in candlelight vigils during the afternoon in the beautiful, Florida sunshine. Their voices are heard chanting; “We are all LaMode, help us off the commode.”

“LaMode had every right to shuffle home and take a bath that night in his easy, walk-in bathtub and enjoy his glass of buttermilk;” Boone said.

Gov. Scott issued the order of a curfew for 2 PM till 5 PM. According to Scott; “We really don’t have any other times we have to worry about.”

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Categories: Humor, Life, Observations, People, Places, Political Satire, Politics

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 replies

  1. That is some great satire. Worthy of the Onion.

    Like

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